


haven’t felt like this, my dear

by LunarSlytherin



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Endgame fix-it, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), De-Serumed Steve Rogers, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Tenderness, because endgame!steve was a straightie and we ALL know the real steve rogers is an lgbt icon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-27 16:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18742438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarSlytherin/pseuds/LunarSlytherin
Summary: "You know, staying in the past would've probably been my worst nightmare. Maybe I would've taken the offer in 2012, but today? Having to stay there, forever, with the knowledge of all of these tragedies yet to come? Knowing that you-" he turns towards Bucky, "-were alive at the hands of HYDRA? I couldn't. Not ever."Bucky looks up at him. “Thank you,” he says, “Thank you for doing that,”Steve leans into him. “I love you, Buck,” he states, as certain and confident as one might say‘today is Wednesday’, “and I wouldn't leave you,”An Endgame fix-it, because apparently the Russos don’t know their own characters.





	haven’t felt like this, my dear

**Author's Note:**

> title is from ‘it’s been a long, long time’ composed for marvel by the harry james orchestra :)

Steve turns to Bucky. 

"Don't do anything stupid till I get back," he smiles. A nod to that fateful day, so distant in the past. But maybe not so distant, not so long ago.

Bucky gives a tight-lipped smile. "How could I?" he jokes, "You're taking all the stupid with you." There is a pause. Bucky looks to the ground, feeling suddenly strangely embarrassed. How is he supposed to joke convincingly when Steve is about to mess with time? Go on a dangerous mission to return each Infinity Stone? Is Bucky supposed to just act like this is _normal?_

Steve tilts his head, sensing a change in tone, and walks towards Bucky before enveloping him in his arms. Bucky grips on tightly and they sway a little. Their hug is warm, and he feels like he's being wrapped in a thick quilt with a jersey-soft cover.

"I'm gonna miss you, buddy," Bucky says quietly, his voice wavering.

"Me too," Steve responds, "but I won't be gone for long, once this all goes to plan."

Steve looks into Bucky's eyes, makes that expression that makes Bucky feel all wobbly, and suddenly he's leaning in and placing a sweet kiss against his lips. Bucky kisses back gently, but feels Steve's wandering tongue coaxing its way along the bow of his lips, before it changes its mind, stopping quickly. They're in broad daylight, after all, in full view of Sam and Bruce. Their kiss is short, brief - much shorter than he'd like, but Bucky cherishes it all the same. Bucky cherishes Steve all the time these days. When you've lived a life like he has, you learn to.

"I'm with you till the end of the line, you know that," Steve says, his voice barely louder than a whisper. This is so intimate, so private, Bucky feels like he's about to melt on the spot. Meant for his ears only.

Bucky nods. "I love you."

They pull apart from their impromptu embrace reluctantly. Steve sees that Bucky's eyes are slightly wet. He mercifully doesn't comment. 

Steve steps back onto the plate of the Quantum Realm machine.

"You ready?" calls Bruce, with a polite cough. He, along with Sam, had been respectfully avoiding their direction for a minute.

Steve nods. He tweaks with his Quantum Realm suit ( _God, that does nothing for the poor guy,_ Bucky thinks, _it's real ugly_ ) and inhales as he hears Bruce count down. He picks up the case of Infinity Stones in his left hand, and Mjölnir in his right. Then, quick as a flash, he's gone. 

Bucky is silent. He glances at Sam, who gives him a worried look back. At least he's not alone in this, and if he's being honest, he's glad he's with Sam. He's starting to tolerate the guy, and he can see why Steve is friends with him. He should try harder, maybe. Learn his favourite colour, or some shit.

Bucky thinks about all this time travel stuff, how maybe in a different world he wouldn't be able to believe it. He knows at one point he used to be a big sci-fi fan, and he collected comics.  
But now? He thinks he's seen it all. Sometimes, when you wake from the dead with a functioning cybernetic metal arm and become friends with a fucking talking raccoon, things stop surprising you.

"He'll be back soon," Bruce says, beginning his countdown, "Five... four... three... two... one..."

Nothing.

Nada. Zilch.

Bucky's heart starts to race. 

Bruce's eyebrows furrow. "One... He was supposed to be back by now..."

Bucky's eyes dart around, he was supposed to be back by now, he was supposed to be back- 

Bucky turns around.

Steve is back. He's sitting on a bench, facing away from them, and something is wrong. Bucky can tell immediately- 

He's small. Skinny, he means. The Steve that Bucky grew up with, the Steve he fell head over heels for. He's deserumed.

"Sam..." Bucky calls, his mouth gaping.

Steve's still facing away when his familiar voice says, "I thought I'd want a shot at that life... but I suppose it just - wouldn't work for me." He sounds like he's aged a hundred years. 

Sam walks over towards him, uncharacteristically unsure of what to say.

Steve turns himself to face up at Sam (who Bucky can tell is thinly masking confusion; he can almost hear Sam's _“This is the- you - before the serum - how-”_ ) and gives him that sad half smile. He pauses for a second before continuing, "I don't think that's what I really wanted, anyway. Besides, why would I stay in the past with my best guys here in the present?" 

Sam laughs.

Bucky doesn't say anything. He just stuffs his hands further into his pockets, looking down as he paces over towards Steve. 

Bucky hesitates - he's not sure why, it's irrational because this is Steve, the person he loves more than anything on this planet, and he's afraid to sit beside him. It doesn't matter how big or small he is, he's still Steve. The same guy who was willing to die for the good of the world, the guy who would take a beating and more for his best friend, the guy who orders the same satay with every fucking takeout, the guy who is Bucky's till the very end. 

"How-" Sam begins, hesitation clear in his voice. He doesn't want to phrase this wrong, Bucky can tell.

"How am I small?" Steve finishes for him, a lopsided smile gracing his face. "Long story, but basically, a mishap with the Time Stone upon replacing it." 

Bucky speaks up for the first time. "Did," he swallows, "did it hurt?" And with that, Steve bursts out into laughter.

Sam is still bewildered, but Bucky can't help but snort along, and he can feel his cheeks flushing.

"A little," Steve finally breathes out, and as he catches Sam's eye, he offers, "Inside joke." 

"Oh, so y'all can have a great laugh with Bucky, but you didn't even laugh at my top of the range entrance?" Sam says, eyes sparkling, "Do you even know how much I had to beg Stephen Strange to open the portal on your left side? Dude wasn't gonna budge till I started pleading." 

Steve laughs again, and pats down on the bench, inviting Sam to sit beside him.

He looks up at Bucky after Sam has sat down, who is still standing where he was before. And with that one look, that one expression that he wants to capture in paint, or maybe on film, if he could, Bucky is jelly again. His stomach flutters like a goddamn schoolgirl, and suddenly his legs are moving without his prior permission. He moves over and sits on Steve's other side, slowly but steadily. 

They're sitting in silence, just for a few seconds, when Steve grabs both Sam and Bucky's hands in each of his own. Bucky doesn't know about Sam, but Steve is rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of his hand. 

“Didn't miss me too much, huh?" Steve asks, a vague attempt at breaking the silence.

Sam laughs, "You were gone just about ten seconds. Got worried about you, for a bit, thought you might've changed your mind and stayed back there," he jokes.

Steve's face darkens. "You know I'd never actually do that, right? Not even with the chance. I wouldn't do that to you."

"We know-" Sam starts, but he's cut off by Steve.

"You know, staying in the past would've probably been my worst nightmare. Maybe I would've taken the offer in 2012, but today? Having to stay there, forever, with the knowledge of all of these tragedies yet to come? Knowing that you," he turns towards Bucky, "were alive at the hands of HYDRA? I couldn't. Not ever."

Bucky looks up at him. “Thank you,” he says, “Thank you for doing that.” 

Steve leans into him. “I love you, Buck,” he states, as certain and confident as one might say _today is Wednesday._ “And I wouldn't leave you.”

“But now you don't have the serum anymore,” Bucky whispers, suddenly feeling winded. 

“Well, it's not so bad. I don't think I actually lost the serum, 'cause I definitely don't have asthma, anyway. Virtually the same as my big body, just, well, smaller,” Steve smiles, gripping Bucky's hand tighter, comfortingly.

“So,” Sam begins, “You saying that you still might beat me at a race?”

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” Steve smirks.

“And,” Bucky butts in, “even if he can't, you still got me to beat, Wilson.”

Sam groans, Bucky lets out a barky laugh, and Steve rolls his eyes fondly.

“And, uh, Steve?” Sam asks, moving on, “This is what you looked like before the serum?” 

“For twenty-five years, pal,” Steve replies, “and if I'm being honest - it feels good to be back. Never thought I'd say that, huh? With my enhanced body, it felt temporary. Like I'd wake up and be back to normal. And I now I guess I really have,” he gives a dry chuckle.

Bucky takes an inhale. “When you first took the serum, I thought I was dreaming. I let my guard down, and you fuckin’ joined the army and took steroids,” he says. “But I got used to you, eventually. Your face was still the same, y'know. Broken nose, and all. Couldn't even wipe the ugly from ya-” but Bucky is cut off by Steve leaning up and kissing him fiercely. Bucky has never felt so relieved and turned on at the same time, because Steve still kisses exactly the same. With such passion and indignance, yet so sweet and loving.

“God, I’ve missed you,” is all Steve offers as an explanation, once he pulls back.

Sam coughs. “If you two have... had your moment, I gotta ask. Was your voice always that deep?” a mischievous smile dances across his face. 

“Yeah, it was, actually,” Bucky answers before Steve can, scratching his chin. “I always thought it was too big for his body. That, and his hands, they're goddamn huge!” he lifts up his and Steve's connected hands in gesture.

“Hey!” Steve laughs, in mock indignance. “That ain't very nice!” 

There is a beat. 

“Oh!” Steve exclaims, “I almost forgot,” He reaches underneath the bench, and pulls out a round, brown bag. He hands it to Sam. “Take it, it's all yours.” 

Sam's eyes go as round as saucers. “I couldn't, man, that's your shield!” 

Steve nudges it closer. “Do I look like I'm gonna get much use out of it? Besides, I'm done. Old age pensioner, and all that shit. It's bingo nights and Werther's caramels for me.” 

Sam's mouth opens and closes like a fish for a few seconds. Finally he mutters an, “Okay,” and unzips the bag. He pulls out the shield, and slides his forearm into both of the holsters. 

Steve smiles. “Perfect fit.” 

Sam stands up. “Can I…?” He nods at the shield.

“Knock yourself out,” Steve replies.

_Never thought that you would be / standing here so close to me / there's so much that I feel I should say / but words can wait / until some other day /_

Sam silently whoops, and walks away, almost skipping, with the shield still attached to his arm. He goes over to Bruce and says something to him, and they walk away to go inside. Probably to go test shit, work out a uniform to match, Bucky guesses. Or maybe to give Steve and himself some privacy. 

Because now it’s just Steve and Bucky on the bench. 

_Kiss me once / then kiss me twice / then kiss me once again / it's been a long, long time /_

Steve certainly makes good use of it. He scoots himself along the bench nearer to Bucky, worming his hand onto Bucky's thigh. He leans in close to his ear, his breath sending a pleasurable shiver down Bucky's back.

_Haven't felt like this, my dear / since can't remember when / it's been a long, long time /_

“It took all I had not to kiss you stupid when you came back, on the battlefield,” Steve whispers. “I mean, if we weren't fighting an alien army I think I might'a pinned you down, then and there.”  
He closes the gap and places gentle kisses along Bucky's jawline. 

_You'll never know how many dreams I dream about you / or just how empty they all seem without you /_

Cupping his metal palm around Steve's cheekbone, Bucky chokes out a small moan when Steve twists himself onto Bucky's lap. All he can say is, “Just do it now, then, you punk.” 

Steve obliges. 

_So kiss me once / then kiss me twice / then kiss me once again / it's been a long, long time /_

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna give thanks to my beta, [@dykerogers](https://dykerogers.tumblr.com), for making this legible! also a BIG thank u to [@dittywitty](https://dittywitty.tumblr.com), who was there from when I wrote this in my notes at 5am, to [@shurislut](https://shurislut.tumblr.com), and to [@captain-antifa](https://captain-antifa.tumblr.com) :)
> 
> come say hi on my [tumblr](https://dykebucky.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/dykebucky), I’m over at @dykebucky :)


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